Unpacking

 

I am sitting in a field of marble and granite

Feeling the grass fold under my legs

And I am struggling to unpack the suitcase of emotions 

That I have carried with me for so long 

I am angry

That you left the way you did 

That I did not get to have you 

For as long as I wanted 

I am hurt 

Because I will walk alone on my wedding day

Because I will never again feel your arms around me

And I have not felt that safe since the last time you held me

I am relieved

That you didn’t have to witness how sick I’ve been

You never had to visit me in my hospital beds 

That you can’t see how badly I’m messing everything up

But most importantly 

I feel selfish

For only missing you for the what if’s 

And not for what was 

I feel like a failure 

Because I will never get your approval

Or hear the words

 “I’m proud of you”

I will never have your blessing 

Wrapped around my ring finger

And I will never be able to call you with good news

I will never know if I’m doing right by you 

I’m not proud of myself

So how could you ever be?

Thirteen years is a long time to be missing someone 

There’s a lot left to be said

And even more left to still process

So maybe someday 

The suitcase will become a duffel bag

Then a backpack

To a purse

A wallet

Tucked in my back pocket

Small enough to forget at times

But still always with me

Because the thing I feel the most

Is love

And you can never truly diminish that

-j.p