Silent Conversations

I don’t know what I want anymore

I don’t know what you want 

And I’m not sure I ever did

But I’m even more confused these days 

Do you even want to be friends 

Maybe acquaintances? 

I’m unsure 

You don’t talk to me the way you used to

I can’t help but wonder

If you only had those conversations 

To get a view of my bedroom

Speaking of which

I don’t know if you are looking at me

With attraction 

That makes you uncomfortable 

Or if you are trying to soak in

All the changes I’ve made

I don’t know if I make you feel awkward

Or if you are just overly cautious with me

Am I a regret 

Because you wish nothing happened

Or because you want more 

Do you want me again

Or not at all 

I don’t know 

Maybe it’s wishful thinking 

But I regret losing you

I know you will say I didn’t 

But we both know 

What we had was good

And now it’s gone 

I’m sorry

For you and for me 

I just wish I knew how to be direct

Without scaring you away again

Like a cat on the side of the road

I have good intentions 

But no way of telling you that

Or convincing you that my open arms 

Are there to help support and care for you 

Not to harm you

Like all that you’ve known before 

I am as confused as you are

I have no answers 

I don’t know what I want

I miss endlessly laughing on the floor 

I miss you being comfortable with me 

I miss you in my bed 

I miss not being angry at you

I miss having some sort of place in your life

I miss so many things 

I wish you did too

Do you? 

I wish I could ask you 

I know I’ve always been direct

Even if it hurts 

But I also know you don’t like it 

So I will hold myself back 

Having these quiet talks 

Inside of my head 

Wondering “what if”

Because I’m too scared to find out and know 

-j.p